Time

Today was one of those days where I wished I could have stayed home from church.  Don't worry - I never do stay home.

Church last week was one of those fun days.  I had a parent with an issue over their child's Primary program part.  I was caught off guard, and her argument was invalid, but it was one of those things that shakes you.  It first made me wonder if I was teaching 'incorrect' doctrine, as she said.  Second, it made me wish people were kinder, especially to me - or at least when I'm stressed and having other issues I'm worried about.  Honestly - it did make me stress this week over what to do with the child's part.  I finally figured out what to do - which included another child out of town for the program, combining 3 parts into 2, and giving him the part that included a scripture.  You can't argue scripture, right?  (Yes, I know you technically can - thank you crazy religious types)

Well, today I was still stressed about it.  Recently I have had a few health issues causing me to be extra anxious and extremely fatigued.  I was sitting in Sacrament meeting thinking about asking to be released from my calling so I could focus on my health, family, and to reduce stress.  I figured it had finally become too much.  Maybe this was what I was supposed to learn - that I need to ask for help when things are too much.  And in this case that help was being released.

Gotta love that face

Now, let me regress a little.  Before P was born, I was asked by a few people if I would be released since I was having a baby.  I know in most wards the answer is yes.  But my ward is too small.  After P was born, even more people asked if I was going to be released.  I even had people tell me it was too much to be Primary President AND have a new baby.  Thanks - I didn't realize that.  Naturally I assumed since everyone was telling me I should be released it meant I wasn't doing a good job and needed to be released.  You start to believe what people tell you.  So, having everyone telling me I should be released and others treating me not so well, (Oh, did I mention that some teachers won't find subs?  I had 9 of 11 teachers gone one week - no subs!) plus personal stress, really led to a bad day.

As I was trying hard to get P to settle down in Sacrament, I got more frustrated.  (We have a lot of older people in the ward.  They don't remember what it's like to have a baby who likes to fuss and coo and, you know, be a baby.  You get 'the eye' a lot.)  I really was at a low.  Of course, that's when it happened.  The organist plays the intro for the intermediate hymn.  "Really, we just sang this song about 2 months ago," I thought about the less commonly sung hymn.  But as I tried to settle P down, I caught parts of phrases from the singing.  That's when it started hitting me....

"....Shrink not from your duty, however unpleasant........Our little afflictions, tho painful at present.........The angels are waiting, to crown you with blessing........Go forward, be faithful, the promise is sure!"

I kinda left the room crying at this point.  But now that I'm reading the last verse, I know I wouldn't have made it through it anyway.

"Be fixed in your purpose, for Satan will try you;
The weight of your calling he perfectly knows.
Your path may be thorny, but Jesus is nigh you;
His arms are sufficient, tho demons oppose.
His arms are sufficient, tho demons oppose. "

No, I shouldn't be asked to be released.  Yes, I'm doing my best.  Heavenly Father knows that.  Today I got up early and made it to ward council when my health wanted me to stay in bed.  I went to church when my anxiety wanted me to go to the beach instead.  I handed out Primary parts (with some help).  I did my best to have the Spirit in Primary for those precious Children of God to know their divine heritage.  I did everything I was supposed to today.

I have also realized recently that Heavenly Father knew I would have P when I was called to be Primary President.  He knew I would struggle with PPD and anxiety.  He knew I would have my current health issues. He knew I would feel like I wasn't doing enough while being overwhelmed.  He knew I would have other challenges.  But, He also has placed those challenges in front of me to help me grow.  And once I realized that He knows me, and believes in me, it calmed me.  I will and do still struggle....but having that extra understanding helps.

I'm going to be fine.